Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire is one loud, gigantic bore

There’s no joy in writing about bad films. They’re not fun to watch, and they’re certainly not fun to review. I don’t take pleasure in snide commentary, and my days of outrage are well behind me. Now, I’m just disappointed. Mainly because something like Godzilla and Kong teaming up for shenanigans should be a good time. But also because I’m tired of repeating the same issues over and over again.

Godzilla X Kong is the fifth Monsterverse film, and easily the worst of the bunch so far. It has momentary glimpses of a better, more enjoyable outing, but they’re few and far between. It tries to emulate the whimsy of the Heisei series, which saw Godzilla team up with a new monster every year. Yet none of it sticks. Godzilla X Kong is too silly when it should be serious, too serious when it should take it easy.

But more than that, it’s also too long for what is ultimately a very flimsy story. At two hours, there’s barely enough content to warrant half that in terms of plot. Godzilla now roams the earth, fighting off random titans and keeping mankind safe. Despite apparently wiping out hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people every time it has a ruckus. Kong lives alone in the hollow earth, pining for a family. As he discovers an unearthed realm within his kingdom, and the violent society of apes within, he and Godzilla must team up to assert dominance together.

It’s a decent enough setup for some kaiju-wackiness, and compared to the previous two installments, it’s certainly far clearer to follow. But there is barely any meat on the bones, and the story itself just isn’t interesting enough for a full length feature. By the time we get to the umpteenth CGI-infested showdown between weightless monsters, it all feels too much.

The American Monsterverse has never been good with the human supporting characters, and not much has changed here. Great actors like Rebecca Hall and Brian Tyree Henry are utterly wasted in nothing parts. Surely there is something, anything, better they could be doing than reacting to empty spaces with the same dire expressions? The problem is, they barely have any dialog beyond grunts and yelps. Vast parts of the film flash by without anything but guttural noises and explosions in the soundscape. It’s like listening to a metal garbage can filled with farm animals topple down the stairs.

Most of all, Godzilla X Kong is boring. It’s not even bad enough to be fun. Director Adam Wingard knows how to put together a shot, and the animators are clearly talented at what they do. But it’s all in service of an empty story that holds no interest, and has none of the anarchic glee of competing nonsense like Moonfall. Apart from a delightfully loopy scene early on, where Kong arrives at Earth for a dentist appointment, I can’t remember a single moment worth repeating in the entire film.

For a Kaiju movie, that’s not a great sign.